


The Journal of Goro Akechi

by Agama_agama



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akechi's violent fantasies, Arousal From Killing, Canon Compliant, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Diary/Journal, Fantasies About Murder, M/M, Obsession, Religious References, Sadism, Sexual References, Stalking, akechi lies to himself constantly and is not a very reliable narrator, fantasies about sexual assault, hoo boy akechi's a mess, i.e. the graphic violence doesn't actually happen, masturbation references, no beta we die like men, the rest of the thieves are mostly just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 09:23:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20946047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agama_agama/pseuds/Agama_agama
Summary: During the events of Persona 5, Goro Akechi kept a journal.(Please read the tags carefully)





	1. May 3, 20XX

Apparently, some teacher's confessed to sexual assault all of a sudden. Shujin Academy, I think? For some reason, the other detectives don't want me around this one. Probably because I'm a high school student as well. What's interesting is that it immediately followed what appeared to be a threat against the teacher made by students. Some trash about "phantom thieves" and "stealing desires". Sae-san assumes it's some students- probably victims- who threatened to leak the story. What interests me is the teacher's behavior. He didn't act like someone who was blackmailed into a confession. He acted remorseful. He even threatened to kill himself- on stage, in front of the students! Personally, I would have wanted to see it. Scum like that- entitled assholes who think they can just take whatever they want and walk- shouldn't even get the option to confess. The bastard should have hung himself in his office. Personally, I would have preferred something a tad more violent, but jail will suffice for now. I can only hope he'll die there. My theory of the cause of this confession is some sort of minor psychotic breakdown. But I don't remember doing this. Father and his thugs would have no interest in someone like Kamoshida. 

...Could that be why I'm being kept away from the case? They know, don't they? And they suspect me. 

No. That's ridiculous. Even if they did, somehow, find out, I know I didn't do this one.


	2. June 9, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For context, this is the date of the pancake incident.

Another TV appearance! Why has the media not gotten tired of my face yet? I'll never understand why everyone wants to see me all the time. Do I make them that much money? It feels as if I'm working four jobs- student, detective, TV personality, and... insurance agent, let's say. Although I doubt most insurance jobs are exciting as mine. I'd bet they don't pay as well, either.

After the filming, however, I met a group that stood out to me. A cat! Who carries a cat to a school trip? Anyway, the school trip was Shujin, I think. Unfortunately, I didn't think to ask about Kamoshida-especially with the so-called "phantom thieves" being on the rise. Apparently, the artist Madarame was taken down by them as well for fraud or something, or at least they're taking credit for it. I'm becoming more and more suspicious of what is actually at play here. I had suspected psychotic breakdowns at first, but it appears whoever's doing this- the "phantom thieves"- have more control over the outcome of their work. Perhaps it's because there are apparently more than one of them? Oh, the things I'd do if I had that control! But I don't. I can only dream about it.

Anyway, back to the people I met at the showing. There were three of them. Two blondes, and a boy with glasses- he was the one with the cat. He was charismatic. Handsome enough.

For some reason, I can't stop thinking about him.

Probably because of the cat.


	3. July 9, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akechi starts getting a little jealous.

I don't want to speak well of the phantom thieves- they are openly criminals, after all. And for some reason, the public all rally around them. They don't need any more brainless followers. But they did, somehow, manage to take down Kaneshiro. Although, it was almost sickening to see their insignia all over Shibuya. Oh, how facinating it must have been for these public heroes, the Phantom Thieves, to let the people know they were protected! 

The cops would have gotten him. Nobody can evade the law for that long by normal means. Junya Kaneshiro is not very intellegent- a brute that doesn't use force. I was inside his head, for god's sake- it's just a stroke of bad luck the thieves got him before I could. I still don't understand what Father wanted with him. Can't have someone else exploiting the children of Tokyo when you're about to do it legitimately, I assume. But he is in police custody, and for some reason, people care about that. Not the dozens of other rapists, killers, and thieves we manage to bring in, but this one man. I can't wait until this phantom thief fervor is over. It's a headache. Don't people realize that they can trust the police? We're the ones protecting them! Not some delusional kids playing pretend! Well, the outlaws can have their fifteen minutes of fame- I'll make sure it doesn't last any longer than that. I'll be the real hero that comes out of this. Somehow, the phantom thieves will mess up, and I'll be there to slit their throats when they do and take all of the adoration they've managed to steal from people who deserve it. Criminal trash. 

Come to think of it, I've been seeing the boy from the television studio a lot lately. In the mornings at the train station. He's not one of the the brainless Phantom Thief fans. Somehow, I know that. This boy is... I sense something from him. Maybe... maybe I like him. He's on my level. Akira. Akira Kurusu. I'll keep an eye on you.


	4. July 19, 20XX

According to Sae-san, I was uncharacteristically pleasant today. I know this "Medjed" figure isn't acting in accordance with the law, but it can't be helped that these phantom thieves getting taken down a peg makes me... happy. Of course, if Medjed had managed to take them down... I don't believe they will. But I don't even want to think about it. That's my prize. 

But still, on the other hand, this business with Medjed may not even come to fruition. It could be- actually, it probably is- an empty threat. But it's enough to put them on edge. Enough to weaken them. I'll be able to make a move before too long. 

Oh, I also made it to the fireworks festival yesterday. I usually don't go to these things, but... I figured Akira would be there. I was right, it turned out. I only saw him and his friends for a second, before it got rained out, but it was enough. There were two more with him this time- some pretty boy in a yukata and Sae-san's little sister.

I hadn't noticed it before, but Makoto Nijima looks somewhat like Mother. She's beautiful.


	5. July 24, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter (entry?) yet by far. Things are picking up.

I had quite the conversation with Sae-san today. She's angry. Of course she is, the phantom thieves are getting under all of our skin with that Kaneshiro shit out of the way. Now that Medjed is showing up, Sae-san wants me to deal with the phantom thieves. I have been instructed to deal with them "without remorse", but I doubt she's ready to take responsibility for what that entails. I have to say, though, blaming the mental shutdowns on the Phantom Thieves was exhilirating! Maybe I'll go on TV with my deduction.

Speaking of Medjed, I've already established what an opportunity this is for me- for all of Japan to get this phantom thief trash out of their head. But that's not all- I spoke with Akira-kun today!

He was with his friends from the fireworks festival. I did some digging after that- turns out the pretty boy is none other than Yusuke Kitagawa. Madarame's final victim.

He has an interesting group. Mostly comprised of Shujin students, of course, but there is Kitagawa. He goes to Kosei High, I believe- I've seen him in the hallway a few times. He mostly sticks to the fine arts building, I can't remember a single class we have had together. Dumbass is always stuck in his own head, anyway- I doubt he even realizes that the great detective Goro Akechi goes to the same high school as him. But that's besides the point. As a detective, it's my duty to put these clues together and just see where they take me. And I don't like where they're taking me.

All of Akira's friends have some kind of connection with the Phantom Thieves- Sakamoto and Takamaki made enemies of Kamoshida, Kitagawa's obvious, and Makoto is Sae-san's sister. How did they brainwash her into sympathizing with them? 

I wish I'd gone to the sushi restraunt with him- or at the same time as him, watching from a distance, as the case usually ends up being. The takeout was from this one place in Ginza. I'll see if I can trick the owners into giving me the security tapes for an "investigation" and find out what he ordered. I've never liked sushi, but there must be something about it I'm missing out on if it's a facet of Akira's life. He's like a puzzle, but the pieces are scattered all over Tokyo and I have to find them. But I did run into him at the train station as planned. I need a moment alone with him. More than a moment- I want to drag him away from all his stupid friends and interrogate him properly. Of course. Just to find out if he's a phantom thief or not.

If he is, that makes things a lot easier for me. I'm sure Sae-san won't mind a little torture. If I get to see the life leave his pretty eyes, as not only Akira Kurusu but the fucking ringmaster of this entire criminal display, I'd never ask God for anything ever again. 

But something has me hesitating. I've seen stranger coincidences- they're kind of a hazard of the job. When I asked about the Phantom Thieves, he didn't panic. He wasn't scared. He had the nerve to joke with me about it, and that's not the behavior of a cornered criminal. My profile doesn't match any of the others, either- outside of possibly Sakamoto. And who knows how many delinquent gangs are running around Tokyo? I need to know. I need to be sure.

Yes, this answer is far too easy. Entertain me, Akira- make me work for it.


	6. August 22, 20XX

What the hell happened with Medjed? Fucking cowards! Finish what you started! 

I cannot believe they would just back down like that. The phantom thieves can only change the heart of one individual. I know that for sure- they use the metaverse, I'm certain. I could probably do what they do if I tried. They're squandering their talents trying to be heroes. If they really want justice, why not just make them suffer for it? It just shows what selfish bastards they really are, only in it for the recognition. But that being said. How the fuck did they target Medjed- a conglomerate? I'm angry. For the first time in a while, I'm angry at something that's not my father or the damn thieves. 

I punched the wall so hard my knuckles bled. I had to bandage it- hopefully it will be easy to pass off as a fall. I wish I could punch... someone. My father. For a brief moment, Akira flashed into my mind, and I pictured myself punching his lights out. That's when I realized I hate him. I don't know why, but I fucking hate Akira Kurusu. He's disgusting. How does he have friends and I don't? He lives in a fucking attic at a cafe in some filthy alley in Tokyo!

Then, the rage subsided for a moment, and I really wanted coffee. I don't think I hate Akira Kurusu. I don't hate Akira Kurusu. I can't say I like him, either, though. I'm just going to have to live with no explanation as for why he's constantly invading every facet of my thoughts, and maybe that's for the better.

I left for work at the usual time. Although I'm on summer break, I'm being kept on a student's schedule. I don't mind. I like having the extra time to pursue my other hobbies. It seems some of my rage has unconciously rubbed off on Sae. That's something I don't mind- If I intend to have my way with them, I'd like her assistance in sweeping it under the rug.


	7. August 28, 20XX

He was with some girl today.

How dare he? 

I go through all that trouble to find out where he is and he all but introduces me to his girlfriend. She barely looks his age, too. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a fucking lolicon after all. 

Not that I don't recognize her. I've seen the girl's face in countless police files- Wakaba Isshiki's bastard kid. 

Someone else whose parents didn't give a shit about then.

I can almost sympathize, but really- I can't. I was inside Wakaba's head. I saw how much she cared for this little thing that was cowering behind Akira's back. I hate to say something childish like "if I can't have a loving mother nobody can", but why did she deserve it more than me? She didn't. I was glad I was already on an assassination mission.

I hope she's not constantly going to be trailing him now- I don't think I could bear continuing to see her face and remembering the cognitive version of herself in Wakaba's mind. What an undeserving little shit. At least I made her feel what I feel.

On that note, she's a kindred spirit in that case. If he can love her, he can love me as well, right? I'll ensnare him by pretending to give him something to "fix". I'll... I'll clamp around his neck like a venus flytrap and strangle him until he can't breathe.

That is, if he doesn't fix me.

But he won't. Not with all the love in the world. I don't want to walk away from what I've done and what I plan to do. I don't. I can't. 

He can't fix me and it's a pointless idea to even entertain.

But... but if he could...

I'd be forced to forgive my father.

You can't live out a revenge fantasy if you're healthy and happy and with someone you love, right? 

It's not worth it. Nothing is worth that.

And I don't love him, so it would be pointless anyway.

Anyway, I loitered by the cafe long after it closed. He was playing with fireworks with that cafe owner and Futaba. 

What a child.

They looked happy. I wonder if I would be doing this with Mother if she was still alive? 

They really... they really are a happy family.

I can't really comprehend how it makes me feel. After all, it's not something I'll ever have.


	8. September 8, 20XX

I actually decided to stop by that cafe today- I wanted to see him. Akira wasn't there. Apparently I had just missed him- the owner of the place thinks I'm one of his friends and said he'd gone off to Hawaii on a school trip, so I just drank my coffee and left without incedent. I declined to go on my school trip for personal reasons- the school assumes this is because of my job, and I'm not going to tell them otherwise. Not that there's anything for me in Los Angeles, anyway. I've heard it's just a hotter, filthier version of Shibuya. I wonder what Hawaii is like... I think I'd like to eat some fresh pineapple, maybe brush up on my English. I don't really swim, but I've heard the beaches are beautiful in their own right. "Long walks on the beach" is such a cliché, but for good reason. Going on one alone would probably feel tranquil. And yes, it would be romantic with somebody else, hot sand beneath our feet and sunset in the distance before Akira leans in-

Akira. Why am I thinking about him again? I've never even thought about romance before. 

I hope he comes back soon. If only because I'm sick of all this confusion. Maybe if I see him again. I have to see him again.

I'm home now, and I smell like coffee and sweet curry. That's what the cafe smells like. What Akira smells like. I'm conflicted- it's a comforting smell, but at the same time I want to bleach my skin until it doesn't even smell human.

Every time the coffee hits my nose, I want to punch something. I want to kill something. And I only think of Akira. Why? Why is my mind doing this to me? Maybe I've abused my powers in the Metaverse, and this is my punishment. If that's true, I can't imagine what the Thieves are feeling, considering they're a bunch of filthy fucking criminals. Why is it that what they're doing is just and the public is having a love affair with them, but what I'm doing is criminal? 

Father has me kill scumbags, mostly- Isshiki being a notable exception, I guess. People who threaten to out his bullshit while committing the same atrocities themselves. Rapists and thieves who still have day jobs, when he wants to rile up the public a little. What difference does it make if they rot in jail or hell? The public should think for themselves, maybe do a little research. They want these people gone anyway, which just proves that they don't fucking think about the fact that their tax dollars keep these people fed and clothed. Me? I actually help. I clean up the fucking streets by getting these people off them for life. I've heard Madarame might not even get a life sentence, because the courts tend to take pity on poor old men. Wouldn't that blue haired boy be happier if he were gone for good? 

The boy who hangs out with Akira. Akira... how does he fit into this? Whatever disease that's infected my mind causing him to take root and stay there must be interfering with my normal thought process. Thieves and Akira. Simply two things on my mind. If someone enjoys both mochi and udon, it's perfectly natural for them to imagine eating them together. 

There doesn't have to be any correlation. Akira is just getting between me and the imaginary thieves in my mind. Hm, that would be interesting- he'd make a nice punching bag.


	9. September 12, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akechi fantasizes a little in this chapter. Probably not sexy, but definitely sexual.

I was actually given a Shujin job. The principal, apparently, has caused some trouble for the pieces of shit working for my dad. Not that I mind doing what I do. This far up in the political ladder, these unforgivable bastards tend to make enemies of other bastards. And who cares if I take down one or two people with good intentions? It's not like I have a future after staring down Father's mutilated corpse- that will be the best high. What all of this is about. He must pay for what he did.

Why does that thought... hurt? That I don't have a future. But it's true- I am the tool and the user. I have a singular purpose. And Akira Kurusu has no part in that, besides getting in my damn way. Kobayakawa wasn't even that satisfying. It left me feeling more empty than usual. So I went to Leblanc. He was there. Fucking Akira showed up there after being out in Shibuya doing god knows what with his damn friends and had the audacity to say "Honey, I'm home!" Asshole was probably taunting me. But still... something about seeing him really filled out my day. Killing Kobayakawa did practically nothing for me, but seeing Akira after really brought in all of the emotions I'd missed out on. It wasn't like tailing him in Shinjuku or sitting a booth away at that diner he likes. Actually talking to him in his own home felt amazing. That was... something I could have lived without, actually. I don't understand it. What is Akira making me feel?

And why? 

Who is Akira Kurusu? 

I think I have to stop writing. I thought it wasn't going to happen anymore, but apparently I still have needs after all... 

I swear, if I think about him even for a second, I'll gut him like a fish.

...Then again, that train of thought isn't making me any less aroused. I wonder what it would be like, to cut him open and pull out his insides?

I... am really going to stop writing now. I can't take it any longer.


	10. October 1, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another sexual themes chapter. This one doesn't correspond to anything in-game, just wanted an excuse to write horny Akechi

I need to get it out. All the thoughts. Maybe if they're on paper they won't be in my head.

Akira Kurusu. 

He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I want to strip him down and just... look at him for a while. I don't care if it's okay. I don't care what anyone would think, I'd fuck him on live TV if I could just get the opportunity to touch him. I bet his hair is soft. I want to choke him out, shove a gun down his throat and make him cry. That would be nice. Seeing him cry. I'd get him handcuffed or something, cut off his clothes and watch him struggle helplessly against me. I want to cut him and beat him until he doesn't have the strength to stand up. But Akira is a fighter. He'll fight back until he can't. I kind of want him to- I'll beat the fight out of him. He'll eventually submit to me, and I'll have the warm, pretty body of Akira Kurusu to do whatever I want with, Akira, Akira, Akira, even seeing his name is turning me on. I'll slaughter Akira like I'll slaughter the Phantom Thieves. What if he is one? That's right, Akira is a Phantom Thief.

I think I'd like to see him have a psychotic breakdown. Of course, if I ever got him I'd do something so much worse than that, but I can still fantasize about watching him break down and lose his mind in front of those friends he loves so much. Look, everyone- this is your phantom thief! Look at how badly he lost! Or maybe everyone doesn't deserve that. I want to have Akira to myself as he falls to my feet like a helpless animal.

I fucking hate him. How dare he? How fucking dare Akira Kurusu come into my life like this and screw me up? My desires aren't even completely sadistic. How fucked up is it that I want to abandon all of this, the revenge I've worked my whole life for, the only thing worth living for, to have a sweet, domestic relationship and loving sex with Akira Kurusu? 

I'd rather kill him than love him.

Killing is easier than love. Wanting to shoot him and feel his blood run down my body is animalistic and simple, and it will be over when it's over.

I hate the idea that I love him. I hate him. I hate myself.


	11. October 11, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill by now.

I can barely write, my hand is shaking so badly. Shit. How did it end up like this..? Akira Kurusu and his goddamn friends are the ones fucking around in the metaverse- my metaverse, that I was given. And those are the Phantom Thieves that have been giving me so much trouble. I was right. I can't believe I was right! I want to laugh, and then gouge his eyes out and sew his mouth shut. 

Akira fucking Kurusu. My damn father probably knows who he is and just did this to torture me. I can't believe I put in all this work learning who he is and what he does- he fucking made me sit through the same shitty movie four times- and I never put it together until now. Or maybe I didn't want to believe it, because I could have easily got him alone and broken his neck and put a stop to this Phantom Thief bullshit. This feels like a joint effort to make me look like a fucking idiot. My father and Akira are both in on it. Okumura, too- that's why it felt so good to shoot him. 

Now I know how the Phantom Thieves operate. But it's too late to care about that now. They're weak- Akira is weak- and I'm so close to my goal it doesn't fucking matter. I imagined it was Akira I was shooting instead of some ugly, greedy old man. And for a second it was him. Killing Akira Kurusu... I'm beyond shame at this point, aren't I? I almost came. I'm pretty sure I was shaking and breating heavily the whole way home. Good thing my fucking public image is already unimportant enough with this Thieves thing or I'd have to come up with a pretty damn good excuse for looking like that. I'm glad I didn't live very far away. And that would have been a bad thing to happen right before I became very, very popular. I haven't been online yet. I've been... busy today, but I'm certain it's full of idiots realizing how stupid they were. I deserve a parade. Everyone was wrong about me! Oh, this is the best I've ever felt! I don't care that this is part of my father's stupid plan. In the best possible case, I'd be able to pin the killing of "popular politician Masayoshi Shido" on them as well and go on with my life. The phantom thieves could rot in Hell where they belonged. Not Akira, oh no- all I'd have to do is pull some strings among Father's supporters and I'd get to do whatever I wanted to him. Who would care if some brat convicted of double murder disappears from his prison cell? I want to build a house on top of his grave. And I'd be a hero. The hero I deserve to be.


	12. October 26, 20XX

Today was the closest I got to Akira in a long time. Maybe ever. It wasn't when I was in that tiny room with him- we were, in fact, separated by an entire room of people. When I threatened to reveal his little secret in front of everyone, I made sure to lock eyes with him. That moment felt like a century- I'm still living in it.

Akira Kurusu was scared of me. I know the real Akira, and we didn't have to exchange any empty words, only a look. No stupid fucking mask was blocking my way- not the one he puts on as a Phantom Thief or the ugly, smug look that's always plastered on his face. I got through. 

But this is a small victory, because seconds later he was looking at me like the "cool" piece of shit he was. I wanted to punch him. How fucking dare he look at me, terrified, then turn around and deprive me of that? The picture's in my head, but it's not enough. It's not nearly enough. I need his fear, his pain... I feel like an addict chasing my next high. But that would mean I am addicted to Akira. I've seen his dumbass friends scared before and it does nothing for me, so he must be the key to all of this. To whatever the fucking mess swirling around inside my head is. 

Anyway, I have an in with the Phantom Thieves now. I was looking through my Akira pictures and something in particular caught my eye. Outside of Okumura Foods, I caught Akira and the rest of the thieves appearing out of thin air. I knew I was doing this for a reason. God always guides me correctly. I showed it to them, and they were kind enough to let me join their little gang. 

Oh, how could I forget? They've adopted Okumura's cute little daughter. It's hard to be angry at her. She just makes me sad. But "sad" isn't something I can feel anymore. Who gives a shit? She was caught in the crossfire. Just like the rest of them. It felt unspeakably good to have Akira under my thumb, and the rest of them following along. I had complete control for a second, and shit, I need that. I need that again. What should I do? Should I display my full power in the middle of the Metaverse and leave them shaking in fear of me? I'd cut them down one by one, but save dessert for last like Mother always told me to. I want to see him cry, completely defeated, on the floor at my feet like a dog. He's what I want. It's his fault for caring too much about his friends, anyway. He's got seven major weaknesses. What's it going to feel like when they're all exploited? Will Akira feel exposed, vulnerable maybe? 

But for now I have to pretend to be one of them. Just another follower, when I deserve to be so much more than that. I was shaking when I got home- I felt disgusted with myself, disgusted with Akira... I want to boil my body until I can forget what he smells like. But I'll never forget. Maybe I deserve to be tortured like this. It's my fault, isn't it?

No. What have I done? What have I done besides what my mind is telling me to do? 

If I wasn't meant for this, it shouldn't feel this good. That's it. That's the only excuse I need. 

But I'm a thief now, no matter how much that thought makes me want to vomit. At least I'll get to see their methods. Even after all this, I'm still a bit curious. 

I'll bet fucking Akira lets himself get beat up. Masochistic asshole! Even if I do get to fuck him up, he won't even let me enjoy it. 

But there's got to be a threshold. 

I'll have Akira Kurusu in so much pain nobody could enjoy it. That's something else I want. I want to destroy Father. I want to cross Akira's threshold. 

I'll put the fear of God in both of them.


	13. November 20, 20XX

I'm...

I can't...

My mind can't handle it. 

I fucking did it. I fucking shot Akira Kurusu and he fell on the table like a swatted fly. Fuck, fuck, it felt so good, I want to go back in that room and shoot him a hundred more times. Keeping my composure enough to walk out of the building was the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't get enough of this feeling- all the adrenaline and dopamine rushing to my head. Is this how some people feel when they look at art? 

It felt so good. I can't begin to describe how cathartic it was, him staring down the barrel of my gun, and in a second- in a second it was over. No more charming exterior, no more "Honey, I'm home" taunts. I'll never forget the way his blood splattered on the table. Akira Kurusu is... truly beautiful. His blood is beautiful. I wanted to lick it off the table.

I keep rewriting the scene. I wish I'd stuck the gun down his throat and made him fellate it. I want to shoot him in as many nonlethal places as possible and watch him struggle. I want him to give up and beg me to shoot him. Nnngh... All these images going through my head... I can't resist him. I'm not even going to try anymore. If I thought Akira was the only thing on my mind before, well, I think it's fair to say that's the only time I've ever been wrong.

Akira Kurusu is dead. That was me. Me! I shot him! I took down the phantom thieves, and fucking Shido is next! I just need to wait out the excitement... shit, I can't believe I'm still hard. Oh, Akira Kurusu... This is what it feels like to finally best you. What was he thinking in those final moments? How scared was he? Did he hate me? Did he forgive me?

I want to step on him as I shoot. I want to tell him we killed all the other rats in the phantom thieves and see him give up. I want to go back and embrace his corpse. 

There's nothing more intimate than that moment you share with someone before you kill them. No mask. No social conventions between you and them. He had lost, so he had nothing left to lose. It's like when you're slipping on ice and you decide to stop making a fool of yourself and just let yourself fall down. And sharing that kind of intimacy with Akira was a better release than anything I've ever felt- and anything I ever will feel. I'm terrified I'll wake up one day and the memory will have faded even a bit. 

It's over. I'm breathing so heavily. I could die right now.

Do I... want to? Akira's not coming back. 

I want to say it's because I'll never feel the pleasure of killing him again. 

I know that's not the truth.

I don't want to admit the truth. I just want to keep living in this moment- forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this fic was originally much hornier. I'm glad I decided to tone it down so it could be something more substantial, but this chapter is still a hot mess.


	14. December 12, 20XX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes to shit. It actually might have gone to shit a while back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine by this point, his handwriting is feral, chaotic, and completely illegible.

Akira. Kurusu.

Akira Kurusu Akira Kurusu Akira Kurusu. 

Does he fucking think he can trick me?

After I did that to him? 

After all the pleasure I got from shooting him?

If I'd known this was how it was going to turn out, I'd have dismembered him back in the interrogation room.

Ahhh, what's to stop me from doing that now? 

All I have to keep me from absolute madness are those memories of my time with the thieves. How ironic. But looking back to when I had complete control over them- as it should be. As it should have been all along. 

I will win in the end. This is my victory and I intend to take it from whatever nobody thinks he's better than me. 

But I do get to see him again. It's more than that- I get to kill him again. 

My heart is racing. What shall I do with him this time? 

Oh, I can finally do all of those things I've fantasized about. This isn't a reason to be angry! It's a chance to see Akira lose all hope, to make him cry, to torture him until his screaming stops and he's lost enough blood to fill a lake! Thank you, Akira, for this gracious opportunity. Thank you thank you thank you I love you. 

What am I going to do with him... What happens when you die in someone else's cognition? Oh, God has been so kind to me... blessing me with inconceivable power and this second chance. And just when the high was beginning to fade! It's all coming back to me, though- I couldn't be more excited to do this again. 

This time I'll definitely get his fucking friends first. That'll get him. That will fucking get him for tricking me like the rat he is. What an insignificant, tiny thing. In my thoughts he always takes my hand in his, points my gun to his head and- in tears- asks me to end it.

Oh, but the fun's already started. It's too early for him to be begging for mercy. I think he knows that, doesn't he? The things I'd do to him then. 

I want to flatten him under my foot, cut his hands off, watch him scream for the help that isn't coming. Maybe I'll even indulge myself a bit- I'm getting better with the remote psychotic breakdowns. I could see what he's really like. Akira Kurusu, with all the humanity stripped away. Ohhhh. I'd take pity on him, sure, maybe try to get him off before I shoot him again. And just when he's on that edge, I'll do it. Akira Kurusu. A complete and utter wreck. Destroyed, beaten into the ground, and played with by Goro Akechi. Oh, the public will revere me! And even after I kill Shido, they'll forgive me! 

And we can't forget what happens when the cognitive version of yourself dies. His body will end up in some ditch somewhere, and he'll be mine until he starts to decompose. Hmm... who's going to be the lucky person to find the head of Akira Kurusu on their doorstep? I'll keep the heart, of course. That's what he was- he is- all about, right? Stealing hearts? I'll steal his right out of his body.

Maybe I should keep the head, too. 

Or just... all of him. It will be easier to bend the Akira Kurusu in my mind to my will if I have a consistent visual reference. My memory's already beginning to fall out in pieces. Is that due to rage? Me rewriting the past so I'm happy with it?

I don't care. I couldn't care. This is all about him and me. Akira and Goro. Kurusu and Akechi. 

Ahhhh... I can't wait to win again. Tomorrow. Tomorrow it's going to happen. Tomorrow I'll kill Akira Kurusu a second time. 

Is this... genuine happiness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed Mr. Akechi's Wild Ride.
> 
> I certainly enjoyed writing it!


End file.
